Spare the rod, spoil the child

This post was originally published in Parentous.

In Indian context, all of us must have heard this saying ‘Spare the rod, spoil the child’ which denotes that hitting children in the garb of disciplining them has to be an integral part of parenting. But is it mandatory to equalize discipline with physical punishment to make it more effective? I would like to disagree here.

First of all, I fail to understand how anyone can live with the feeling of inflicting pain on anyone else, esp. on small kids. That day, while shopping I came across a couple with their kid of 5-6 years. The kid was absolutely a brat who was creating ruckus in that store. The father was behaving like a stranger while the kid was throwing tantrums to his mother.

The hassled mom slapped the child and twisted his nose hard while asking him to behave properly. The kid screamed in pain and a loud meltdown happened making the matter worse. I almost felt like snatching the kid from her grip. I understand that she might be beleaguered enough but that does not authorize her to behave so violently with her own child.

Instilling discipline in any child’s life & behavior is surely an art. The most imperative factor is being consistent with the discipline regime and your conduct towards it. Hitting a kid to make him/her understand anything might drill the fact in his mind that violence is the only way to get your voice across the other person.

Another important aspect is treating the child as an individual instead of someone of lower level in the authority tree. Respect their feelings and mood swings. Applying this concept is quite hard with toddlers as you have to exhibit lot of patience to understand their mind & vocabulary. But once they can understand that you are there to listen to them patiently, they also tend to listen to you more.

Treat them in the same manner as you would like others to treat you if are not showcasing the desired behavior. Make them feel responsible and wanted instead of treating them as pain in the neck. My two-year old grew some fascination lately with her shoes and insisted on wearing them all the time (might be she was symbolizing it with going out!!). She would climb up the beds & sofas with her shoes on. More I tried to tell her to take off the shoes, more adamant she became.

I even tried to keep a pair of clean shoes especially for home but it didn't work. So, I devised a plan. I showed her how I am keeping my shoes in the shoe-rack while my spouse applauded the act. Bingo… it worked. Now, the moment she comes back from outside, she takes off her shoes and place it in the shoe-rack, though she insists that someone should be there to clap for her!!!.

Consistency in our behavior while disciplining, also includes that other members of the family also align to the same page. The child should not get confusing signals from different approach of different elders on the same topic. Following the consensus can actually reinforce the desired behavior in small kids who learn mostly being into repetition mode.

Avoid confusing the child by tightening the noose around their nose one fine morning with the discipline schedule. The change cannot happen overnight. So, if you want your child to behave well in family functions or some birthday party, try incorporating the desired behavior at home as well.

Also, do not give in to tantrums. I know, it is quite difficult and embarrassing when you are in public places but if you fall in to this trap once, then the child would be smart enough to use this tactics next time as well. I choose to ignore my kid’s tantrum completely and continue with my chores if she is rolling on floor or shrieking her lungs out. After some time when she pacifies a bit, I firmly tell her she has to stop howling and reason her out why her demand cannot be fulfilled.

It works sometimes while there are other times when she continues her meltdown. I know many of my friends and relatives with kids of 2-10 years of age, who hit their kids occasionally at times when they can’t take the tantrums any more. But, I haven’t noticed any significant changes in their kid’s behavior because of this spanking. So, why to humiliate our child publicly or scare him/her with slaps?

Concluding the post, I can say that keep the discipline routine positive. Reinforce good manners & behavior by appreciation but never resort to bribe. And, above all always remember your kids observe your behavior too closely and tend to replicate the same. Incorporate the changes in your life which you want to implant in your child’s behavior. It would require a lot of patience & repetition. You may get instigated to raise your hands on the kids but always think about the embarrassment & fear element from the child’s perspective. Sometimes using the rod might spoil the child. Think about it!

Maa ...and few realizations!

‘I am writing a Tribute to Mom in association with Parentous.com‘

I had always been the pain in the neck for my Maa (mother) in my own ways. It started while she was heavily pregnant with me and I created ruckus inside her womb from 8^th month only. She had to brave the labor pain for almost four days before giving birth to her first born - that’s me. Yes…you read it correct, FOUR days in severe pain!! Even after my birth I had to send to neo-natal care immediately as my head was bloated with water and most of the people who were eagerly waiting outside the labor-room thought me to be a still-born baby. I heard my birth story almost billion times from all my family members but somehow was never able to relate with the anxiety and tension surrounded with the whole anecdote. I actually enjoyed being the central character who managed to captivate everyone’s attention. But, it seems that destiny has its own plan and timing for teaching us the lessons of life.

When I underwent labor pain which fortunately lasted for only 3 hours, I shuddered at the mere thought that how must have my Maa had tolerated this acute pain for 96 long hours! My daughter had to be admitted NICU (Nursery-ICU) for 24 hours just after her birth because of the excessive bilirubin count (jaundice). I cried and stayed awake for the whole night. Needless to mention here that how I felt like an ungrateful slime ball who never appreciated her mother.

I had been selfish enough throughout the first twenty-five years of my life when I really took her for granted. I rarely cherished her mundane errands which kept her busy the whole day. I understood their significance when I lived alone in another city for my job. The realization part amplified once I got married and had to handle a household of my own. All those chores which she took care and I thought them as automated ones danced like devil in front of my eyes. I wished secretly so many times to hop into time machine and go back to those days when I didn’t acknowledge her efforts.

Last year when I suffered from a type of temporary Anosmia ( a medical state when you lose the smelling sense) and felt like a handicap person by losing one of the important senses  of my life. I felt so incomplete. Then I realized how difficult it was for her to deal with her hearing problem for so long. She is hearing impaired from one ear since her teenage days. But, she had been all ears for her kids to that extent that I was not even aware of her hearing problem for the first decade of my life.

None of her physical shortcomings created hurdle for her as she learned to deal with outside chores with same zeal as she participated in household work. Now, she takes care of the entire bank, post office related jobs, various bill payments and even filing income tax return. She keeps herself updated with the national & international news by her regular dosage of news paper and TV channels.

Today, life comes to a full circle when my toddler sways her hand and says ‘No’ to her Tiffin while munches happily whatever is there in her daycare friend’s lunch box. I can understand how she had felt when I compared my lunch box with my school mates’ box many times. I had been rude to her, acted so difficult sometimes and now I know that I might have to face the same music few years down the line.

Thus, I am taking this opportunity to say ‘Thank You Maa’ for all what you have given, all what you have restricted, for whatever you have taught, whatever you have instilled in my mind to make me the person what I am today. I now can comprehend what you used to say ‘'having a kid is like letting a part of yourself roam outside your body'’!

Two person in this world who made me understand the real meaning of Motherhood 

D = Discrimination

Chubby Cheeks, Dimple Chin

Rosy lips, teeth within,
Curly hair, very fair
Eyes are blue, lovely too
Teacher’s pet, Is that you!
Yes, yes, yes.

I remember getting upset after reading this rhyme as a kid. It is needless to mention here that I have nothing in common with the hyped physical traits mentioned in the rhyme except the teeth part. I somehow believed the fact that these features propel chances of becoming favorites of our teachers! Obviously when I understood the importance of mental ability, intelligence, common sense, individuality and confidence later on in my life, I outgrew the complex of being an ugly duckling.
However, motherhood brought this debate back in my life again. Expert tips & unsolicited advices kept pouring in to make me understand that my baby needs lots of grooming to fit into the category of typical ‘Awww…so cute’ kids. The advisory panel ranged from my neighbors, relatives, friends & their families, my maid and even sometimes complete strangers!

She is so hairy…. apply ubtan (a paste of turmeric & chickpea flour) regularly on her and especially on her face. Facial hair does not look good on girls!! Here, I strongly put my foot down to let my baby go through this torturous procedure.

Her hair density is so less… it would look so bad later on. I have one very good solution for this problem… burn some jute, mix it with onion juice and then apply it on her scalp. Ewww.. this one completely turned me off. I almost sniggered on that honorable lady’s face.

Why don’t you apply Kajal (kohl) to her eyes? Eyes would be wider and look beautiful if you apply Kajal regularly. Excuse me!… have you heard of anything like genetic traits? Even my maid emphasized this idea and when I tried to circumvent her advice by saying that ‘Doctor has asked not to apply it’… pat came the reply, ‘You can always wipe it off on those days you are visiting doctor!’

You should keep on tracking her height regularly…… if she inherits her dad’s height then there is no problem otherwise early consultation with doctor can help. Yes, I am shorter than any average Indian women. But till the time my daughter is achieving her developmental milestones, I don’t find any reason to bother our pediatrician.

My list remains incomplete without mentioning the numerous comments I got to hear regarding my baby’s weight. She had always been on the normal range of the ideal weight mentioned in clinical charts. However, she is not chubby and sort of devoid of any ‘baby fat’. People after showing concern with my kid’s lankiness, keep on thrusting various weight gain recipes, force feeding technique, and even suggested ‘Nazar Utarna’ (negating the evil eye effect). I have now stopped giving explanations to them at all.

Anyway, winding back to the beginning of post, it compelled me to think ‘why it is so important for a baby to look pretty, cute & chubby?’ Even the aggressive marketing of consumer products through media reinforce this theory of ‘good looking’ babies. Quote any advertisement of products meant for kids and you can see kids with physical features mentioned in that nursery rhyme hopping gleefully on the screen. But why should I blame the media only. We are a nation obsessed with skin lightning & fairness products , smearing it on face only is a passé ….. now even the armpits & vagina are not left alone. This fascination is injected early in the kids by projecting chubby, fair babies as benchmark and it prolong life time with matrimonial advertisement like ‘V.Fair, pretty, slim & tall girl wanted’.

This is a widely understood fact how the self-esteem of kids gets affected with this discrimination based on physical traits. And it remains a fact. I came to know from a friend who is a teacher in some big-shot international school that even in school extracurricular activities the kids with ‘pleasing (read pretty)’ faces are given preferences for the first row on stage. Has the school bothered to care about the self-esteem of that average looking kid pushed to the last row?

So, within my caliber, I can at least help my daughter grow up in a way so that she can shrug off the fascination of people with clichéd physical traits with her confidence & self-esteem.

This was my post in Parentous.com

Hit-back or Not!!

Few days back I witnessed a familiar incident in the lawn of my housing complex where many kids of age group 4-10 years were playing. Suddenly one of them pushed another kid after some verbal arguments and soon it turned out to be a freestyle wrestling show between those two boys.

One of the boys’ elder siblings of around 12 years of age appeared in the scene and started bullying the other kid. Few other kids also joined the fight and then it was utter chaos supplemented with loud cries by both the boys. They went back to their respective home and later in the evening we witnessed another round of verbal duel between their parents.

This incident compelled me to think that how would I react if my child is bullied or hit by some other kid. Even for that matter how should I tackle those incidences if my child gets involves in these kinds of fights. Although at present she is too small but within a couple of years I have to let her play with group of kids in my neighborhood.I can teach her not to hit others but what if this result in her getting bullied repeatedly.
Kids are generally taught to report these incidents to teachers in school & other adults when at home but I have witnessed that after sometime even people other than parents discourage the complains of the child and other kids might brand them as ‘cry baby’. Also, there would be times when no adult is nearby then the course of immediate solution remains translucent.

Read the complete post in Parentous :) Do share your views with comments.

Everything in this world comes with a price tag...

Everything in this world comes with a price tag!!. Why this sudden realization of materialistic nature of world cropped inside me? This insight actually keeps on popping in my head since my daughter was born.

I am a mom who has to take the charge of the turbulent ship of parenting of a 3 month old alongwith her hands-on spouse who was equally naive about parenting as her.  My mother was there to support me during my delivery and she stayed back for couple of months after that. But prolonging her stay was not a feasible option for her. Following months witnessed a completely different persona of mine. I fretted, got irritated and almost gave up lot many times. I took refuge of Google-dev, got myself enrolled in n-number of parenting forums and fished out internet to amplify my awareness about parenting nuances. My mobile phone bills soared with the long duration calls made to my mother & mother-in-law to discuss the changing color of poop of my daughter. Joining back to work became a distant option for me.

As time passed by, the level of challenges to be a nuclear mommy sky-rocketed.  Activities like taking bath & answering nature calls took record minimal time to get completed. Other household errands took place only when ‘her highness’ doze her beauty sleep. I went green with envy for those ladies who had the presence of elder generation at their home and enjoys the wonderful cushion of support system to handle their kids. Sometimes I also did felt selfish about my change of mindset about nuclear family, a concept which I liked till now.

But, few interaction with one of my neighbor who was incidentally a new mom (her kid is only few months elder to mine) staying in a joint family set up compelled me to review the backdrop of my cribbing. 

Read the complete post in Parentous :) Do share your views with comments.